These past couple of weeks, I’ve been irritable. Suspicious. Angry. Sad. I dipped into depression a few times – something I vehemently believe I have completely cured myself of through my spiritual practice. To feel these low-vibrational emotions was difficult for me. I felt crazy at times, and often, I was confused. I couldn’t figure out how to place one foot in front of the other.

I had so many goals I wanted to accomplish, so many ideas, but I couldn’t seem to push through this particular mental health block I was going through. 

Luckily, I have an amazing person in my life that constantly reminds me: “Whatever you’re going through, feel it. Allow it. Don’t judge it. Accept it.” And this is why I have a story to share with you today, so that I could be that person in your life to remind you – these fears, these negative thoughts…don’t judge yourself for having them. Accept them.

One day, after allowing his words to enter my soul, I had a breakthrough. I realized that these low-vibe emotions and thoughts were not necessarily my own…they were that of my ego. Specifically, my childlike shadow-self ego. The one that I have worked with before to become the best version of myself. She’s still around, because we don’t get rid of our egos – we integrate them. We love them into becoming a beautiful part of ourselves, instead of trying to chase them away. After all, they just want to protect us.

If you look at who I am and at my life right now, the emotions I was feeling made no sense. I am satisfied with my career, my love life, my friendships, my family life…I am inspired, passionate, purposeful. Where was all this negativity coming from?

Well, during this breakthrough, I recognized that every emotion I was feeling made sense if you put it into the perspective of coming from a scared little girl. A little girl that had gone through some stuff, that had felt many emotions, that was insecure in herself and didn’t really feel very worthy. All the emotions I was feeling made even more sense in the perspective of an ego that is afraid of being killed.

When we do any type of spiritual work, our egos become terrified. That’s why the more we go down into our healing journey and into spirituality, the more it seems that “stuff comes up.” It’s because the ego is fighting for dear life, thinking that the end is coming soon. It doesn’t want to disappear. It exists and wants to continue existing.

The more we make our egos feel threatened, the worse we feel. 

I had to do something. I had to make a change. I felt so horrible, even after recognizing these emotions and thoughts are not completely my own, I still felt bad.

One day, I sat outside on my balcony. It was raining, and I tuned into the sound of the rain. I closed my eyes and I asked for my spirit guides to come through.

You don’t need to know HOW to ask for your spirit guides to come through – you just need to ask.

I simply asked, and because I am quite in tune with the metaphysical world these days, I felt my three spirit guides materialize before me. There was a sparkle on my lids where the three of them sat around me in a circle.

Our conversation wasn’t very long or wordy. I showed them how I was feeling, the panic, the confusion, the discomfort and unhappiness.

They simply said, “There’s someone you need to talk to.” They called up a picture of me, probably at eight years old. I had a big smile on my face, but soon, the picture turned into a visual of me, at eight years old, moving around and making facial expressions.

I realized I had to integrate this part of myself. At that time, unbeknownst to me, I created a shadow, and this shadow has been hiding, a part of my ego, for over a decade. What do we do with shadows? We walk up to them. We embrace them. We transmute them into light.

So I decided to use my own method, Lightwork, to integrate this sweet little girl back into me. 

I turned on my meditation – unprepared, not during the full moon, AND during daylight – and went deep into my subconscious mind.

I felt her pain. She felt unrecognized. She was scared, she wasn’t trusting people, and she didn’t believe she deserved anything good to happen to her. Mostly, she wanted to be loved. She wanted to be hugged and kissed, she wanted to feel a mother’s touch. She wanted to feel seen. I felt all these emotions within my first few seconds of interacting with my child self.

I looked at her, and love swelled in my heart. Those sweet curls. I pulled her (my eight-year-old self) to me, smelled the top of her head. It smelled like innocence. I kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose, then her cheeks. It was me, but it felt like it may have been my daughter.

I squeezed her to me and repeated over and over again, “I love you so much. You are so worthy. You are so deserving. I love you so much.”

I hugged her tightly, bringing her closer to me, as I felt her open up – her heart, my heart, was healing. And suddenly, the two of us morphed back into one. It was me, at this present day, but integrated. I saw purple lights everywhere. My heart felt comforted.

Immediately after the meditation, I felt new. I felt RIGHT. I felt seen and comforted and loved. And all of that love came from ME. 

I recognize that more things like this may come up. The thing about a spiritual awakening and journey is that we deal with our darkness, we integrate it, we become enlightened beings, full of love and understanding and knowledge. Eventually, everyone is going to get there. For now, I am going to continue to heal until I know a million ways to go about it, so that I can keep sharing it with you.

The next full moon is February 19th. If you’d like to participate in Lightwork and have your own shadow-integration experience, claim your spot for ceremony here.